I'm graduating high school in ten days

and I wish I knew how I felt about that.

I feel excited because, hey, who doesn't want to graduate high school? To become and "adult"? Who doesn't want to refer to high schoolers as "kids"?

I feel extremely proud of myself: I made it through thirteen years of schooling. I survived elementary school, which was its own little adventure. I survived middle school, which was hell. I survived high school, which was by far the most difficult and rewarding things I've ever had to do. I've pushed past the bullying of kids (I was called a "retard" once in fourth grade, and I cried all that night.), the issues of middle school (I was depressed and blatantly refused to go to school most days), and high school (high school basically sucked).

I also feel kind of sad. It's the end of an era. I mean, everything I knew is coming to an end in ten days. It's rather depressing to think that I won't see the people I go to school with now ever again. Well, I might see some of them (at leas four are going to the college I'm going to), but still. It's sad. We're going to change. To grow up. If we run into each other at the grocery store five, ten years down the road, we're not going to converse as easily as we do now. We won't remember inside jokes. We're not going to say "see you Monday" or "see you in class". It will most likely be all awkward. We'll try to compensate for five years of being apart in five minutes. Instead of asking "How EASY was that homework?", we'll say "How have you been? Are you married now? Kids?"

I'm scared as well. What's in store for me and my future? Will I go on to be successful or will I succumb to the pressures of college? Will I get mixed up with the "bad kids", ones who drink all the time and do drugs? Will I get pregnant and have to drop out to take care of my child? I don't think that will happen - I'm much to careful and I have much stronger values set in place - but you never know.

When people ask me how I feel about graduating high school, all I can say is this: I feel bittersweet. It's the best way I know how to describe all these emotions. I'll be okay though. I always am.

There is just too much in my mind and my heart to even know where to begin.

I wish I could write with the wonderful diction that you write with. I wish I could speak with the certainty of someone such as yourself. I wish we both hadn't been through emotional turmoil recently. I wish I wasn't in love and I wish you weren't just crushed. I wish that we could be together, maybe not in a relationship just yet, but together none the less. I have a ridiculous amount of pure respect for you.

It just feels so easy, you and me. But I have a feeling that you just feel for me as a friend. I've been wrong before though.

Too bad I can't tell you this yet.